Ticking Thoughts

September 25th 2007.


Dear Memoir,

Here I sit on my black armchair in my office at 12.08 P.M. thinking of the past events that has happened to me. The event that impacted me most was my runaway from home, but that doesn't seemed to matter now. The thought that is bothering me on this very precise moment is a girl. During one night, an sms came in. It was from her. I was asleep during the time I read the sms from her. Yes, I do have a crush on her but the very sms I'v received on that night was her asking me what would happened is she said she has feelings for me. Well, I replied saying that I wouldn't deny that I liked her too because it was the truth, but I'm not the type of person who forces people.

She never replied. We chat on msn a few week later and it somehow led to a major confrontation. She asked me whether is she giving me any hope because she isn't, and as a guy, I have pride too. I told her that she isn't giving me any hope and I hope that I'm not giving her any either, but the truth, is in fact, contradicting my own answers. I wanted there to be a chance for both of us but I didn't want to hurt our friendship. We used to sms each other from morning till nightfalls just to talk about things that wouldn't matter to anyone.

But destiny has it's own plan. Although I didn't confessed, but we haven't talked to each other ever since that day on the msn. The next day I checked my friendster, and she wrote a shoutout that seems to have pierced me through my heart. It says, "Please do not give me hope when there are none. Love can be sweet and bitter.. but it's mostly bitter for me.". I didn't know that I've gave her hope but she told me we're just friends. I didn't know that I've hurt her, but how would I know what she wanted?! She talked to me in a way that it seems that she doesn't want to give me any hope and she doesn't want to give me any chances.

Sigh.. Although I do not know the meaning of love but in my heart, I know that I'm always concern about her. Everytime she tells me she's waiting for her mom in her tuition center during the night over sms, I always tell her to be careful and be vigilante, because it isn't safe for her to be alone at night. Well, I know I'm just capable to saying what's in my mind right now, but I really wish that I could make it up to her somehow. My friends and family always tells me to regret what I've done than regretting not doing it at all. Well, from now on, I'll hold that advice close to my heart.